Please Note:

I now have 3 blogs and I hope you will take a look
at all of them and you will find them of help.---

http://assertivenesssucceeds.blogspot.com ---about self-esteem and how it relates to assertiveness and success in life

http://closingsalessuccessfully.blogspot.com ---about steps successful salespeople use to close more sales

http://successful-nofear-speaking.blogspot.com ---about eliminating fear of public speaking and being a more polished speaker

 

Ask Andy

All about Assertiveness and how it helps you Succeed

Dear Andy

I would like to be more assertive, but I was raised to think that being assertive was against God's will for our lives. In other words, I was taught to think that it was selfish behaviour and that righteous people weren't assertive. How can I overcome that mindset?

Waiting to come out of My Shell

Dear Waiting to come out of My Shell

Being overly assertive could be selfish, if you're thinking only of yourself and no one else. But, if you think in terms of healthy self care, as well as considering others' feelings and rights, then the perspective is opened to include you---and you deserve to be included in your life's work.
Assertiveness is about being open and direct about yourself and your communication and that allows others to know and appreciate the real you, not someone hiding in a shell, which is not the genuine you. So, becoming more assertive may make you more than you were before, more to offer to all the others in your life that you care about.

Andy

Dear Andy

O K, I know I'm assertive, maybe even aggressive at times, especially when it comes to putting my views and opinions out there. But, that's me and I feel I deserve to be myself. Can that be so wrong?

Deserve to be myself

Dear Deserve to be myself

Of course, you deserve to be yourself and to be all that you can be. But, what if you are actually limiting all that you can be by being overly assertive, even aggressive. You may be limiting the people in your life who can deal with such aggressive behavior.
Consideration of others' rights and feelings should be a high priority, and does not have to limit you really. In fact it could open up possibilites for growth and opportunity that, perhaps, had been closed before, because of behavior that some considered domineering and aggressive, which is unattractive and uncomfortable to many.

Andy

 

Because no-fear public speaking and successful assertiveness

relate to self-esteem and self-confidence,

today I am suggesting books closely related to those topics by two of my favorite authors:

Gayle and Hugh Prather


Morning Notes by Hugh Prather

The Little Book of Letting Go by Hugh Prather

Shining Through by Hugh Prather

Spiritual Notes to Myself by Hugh Prather

How to Live in the World and Still Be Happy by Hugh Prather

I Will Never Leave You by Gayle and Hugh Prather

Spiritual Parenting by Gayle and Hugh Prather

Notes to Myself by Hugh Prather

 

Perhaps, you've heard or read about the Forbes magazine editor who presented peer-reviewed research showing unhappiness on the part of married women if they earn more than their husbands. The husbands, according to the research, were also unhappy.
Certainly this doesn't hold true for all married couples. You can check out the link to the article in my links in the sidebar and see what you think.

I feel an important point is that, when both partners are assertive enough to say how they feel about these and other marital or relationship issues, there is a better chance that difficulties can be resolved through honest and open communication.

That is a large part of what this blog is about, and I hope that this information, showing you how assertiveness succeeds in most aspects of life, will be helpful to you at home and at work and elsewhere.

This Week at Assertiveness Succeeds


In today's blog there is an article on ASSERTIVENESS, that explains
how being more assertive not only gives your more self-confidence in
yourself, but also lets you have confidence in others. Check it out.

Then please see the quotes on confidence from Rosalyn Carter to
Albert Einstein and others.

Also, there are books suggested including an Assertiveness handbook
and an Assertiveness workbook.

Finally, don't miss the article near the bottom in the "Ask Andy" column
that gives answers to questions you might have including: "Why can't I meet
a girl who is confident about herself and has a great smile, someone who
is fun, assertive and daring..."

"Ask Andy" will be back next week with challenging questions and surprising answers.

 

 

It's difficult to learn assertiveness from a book or handout. The best way is to join a group or talk to a professional person who specializes in this sort of training. However here are a few pointers which may help.

1. Remember that there are many ways to interact with others. We can inform, explain, discuss or simply have a relaxed conversation. It's often useful to know in advance precisely how you intend to interact. For example if you intend to inform another person of a decision you have made that's one thing. You don't necessarily need to explain it and you certainly don't need to discuss it with them unless you choose to. Having a clear idea of the boundaries which you have set beforehand is extremely useful especially when dealing with aggression.
2. Most people have absolutely no idea what you are feeling inside. They only get what you give them. If you look and sound confident people will believe you are confident. Knowing this makes assertive interactions much easier. Try it and see for yourself.

Below are listed some basic human rights. If you work at maintaining these rights for yourself and for others you will be behaving assertively. Incidentally the more assertively you behave the more assertive you become. What you see is what you get.

I have the right to say "No".

I have the right not to understand.

I have the right to make mistakes.

I have the right to be listened to.

I have the right to have my needs met.

I have the right to contribute.

I have the right to dignity.

I have the right to make my own decisions.

I have the right to consideration from others.

 

Ask Andy

All about Assertiveness and how it helps you Succeed

Dear Andy

Why can't I meet a girl who is confident about herself and has a great smile, someone who is fun, assertive, daring, likes to have a little adventure, a girl with a great laugh, a caring personality?
Why Can't I Meet?

Dear Why Can't I Meet?

That girl is out there and you might have already met her. You need to be certain that you are projecting these qualities that you're looking for.
Are you confident in your expression of yourself to new people you meet? Are you fun, assertive, even a bit daring? Something tells me that you are adventuresome, laugh a lot, and have a caring personality. So you simply need to express what you want, and she may even find you.


Dear Andy

I know there is no reason for an assertive woman to feel less attractive, lacking in empathy, or not be very likeable. There is no reason why a woman can't feel assertively feminine, but a small voice, maybe from childhood, is always telling me to tone my naturally assertive nature down a bit. Should I listen?
Should I Listen?

Dear Should I Listen?

First you need to look and analyze before you listen. If you and others are seeing an assertively feminine woman truly, and perhaps only your best friends will level with you on this, then you can follow your natural assertive manner.
But, if the feedback from yourself, after some careful examination, and others indicates you are too demanding or worse abrasive in your interactions with others, then you might pay some heed to that small voice.

 

Book Suggestions to be more Assertive


The Assertiveness Handbook (Overcoming Common Problems)

by Mary Hartley

ISBN: 0859699412

Synopsis:
Are you tongue tied when you want to air a difficult issue or press for your rights?The good news is that assertiveness skills that allow for effective communication can be learned. Mary Hartley suggests ways of dealing confidently and assertively with people in a range of situations. She provides a series of practical exercises designed to help you develop a positive style of behavior based on self-respect and respecting others. Using case studies, self-assessment material, exercises and practical tips, this down-to-earth book can help you gain increased confidence and self-esteem at work.


The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas & Stand Up for Yourself at Work & in Relationships

by Randy J Paterson

ISBN: 1572242094

Publisher Comments:
This step-by-step guide uses cognitive-behavioural techniques to help the reader suffering from assertiveness problems to set realistic personal boundaries and transform interpersonal styles. Real-life examples, checklists and exercises and supplemented with support and encouragement.

Synopsis:
This self-directed program teaches readers to speak up and say what they mean at work and at home. Written supportively, it uses proven cognitive behavioral techniques to help individuals build self-confidence, set boundaries, and determine appropriate responses. 10 charts.

Don't miss the article "Back Pain Diminished While Driving."
You'll find it today on

http://backbebetter.blogspot.com

and you'll be so glad you did!

 

 

 

 

 

Techniques

Perhaps the most popular technique advocated by assertiveness experts is the Broken record technique. This consists of simply repeating your requests every time you are met with illegitimate resistance. The term comes from vinyl records, the surface of which, when scratched, would lead the needle of a record player to loop over the same few seconds of the recording indefinitely.

Another technique some suggest is called Fogging. This consists of finding some limited truth to agree with in what an antagonist is saying . More specifically, one can agree in part or agree in principle.

Negative inquiry consists of requesting further, more specific criticism . Negative assertion however, is agreement with criticism without letting up demand.

References

* Smith, M. J. (1975). When I say no, I feel guilty. New York: Bantam Books.

* Bower, S. A. & Bower, G. H. (1991). Asserting Yourself: A Practical Guide for Positive Change. 2nd ed. Reading, MA: Addison Wesley

 

Please Note:

I now have 3 blogs and I hope you will take a look
at all of them and you will find them of help.

http://backbebetter.blogspot.com ---about the relief of back, other pain

http://assertivenesssucceeds.blogspot.com ---about self-esteem and how it relates to assertiveness and success in life

http://successful-nofear-speaking.blogspot.com ---about eliminating fear of public speaking and being a more polished speaker

 

Ask Andy

All about Assertiveness and how it helps you Succeed

Dear Andy

Because of probably being too passive a person, I worry that I'm missing out on work-related opportunities, and yet I'm an ambitious person.
Probably Too Passive

Dear Probably Too Passive

Being too passive does often lead to lost opportunities at work, possibly even missed promotions, and failures in one's personal life. Your awareness of the need to be more assertive is a start. Now be open to the next step to learn and to be assertive in a polite and appropriate way.

You might suggest a project that you know would mean progress in your business and offer to head the project. This should lead to more success in life and less resentment about letting the parade pass you by.
Andy

Dear Andy

I fear being aggressive and unattractive in the way I express myself, as I don't like strident people.
Fear Being Aggressive

Dear Fear Being Aggressive

Sometimes it does take practice and self-awareness to be certain you are communicating in a politely assertive way, as opposed to a strident or aggressive manner. If you empathize with others and be alert to demanding or domineering flaws in self-expression, you will likely see and feel a difference in yourself and very quickly.
Andy

 

Book List for August 10


The Power of Positive Confrontation: The Skills You Need to Know to Handle Conflicts at Work, at Home, and in Life by Barbara Pachter

Civilized Assertiveness for Women: Communication with Backbone...not Bite by Judith Selee, Ph.D. McClure

The Assertive Woman (Personal Growth) by Stanlee Phelps

30 Minutes to Self-Confidence + How to Be Assertive...and Well Liked! (Super Strength) by Bob Griswold

The Assertive Option: Your Rights and Responsibilities by Patricia Jakubowski

 

Book List for Tuesday August 8

• Assertiveness at Work: a practical guide to handling awkward situations
  Ken & Kate Back, McGraw-Hill, 2005

  A self-training book designed to meet manager's needs for work situation applications. It provides practical suggestions for developing assertiveness in a range of familiar situations, in a way that minimises conflict and stress.

• Believing in Yourself - A practical guide to building Self-confidence
  Eric Blumenthal, One World Publications, 1997

  Draws on real-life examples, offering strategies intended to help gain a deeper understanding of ourselves and more self-confidence.

• Asserting Yourself: How to Feel Confident about Getting More from Life
  Cathy Birch, How to Books, 1999

  This book offers a variety of techniques to help transform unhealthy, defensive behaviours into productive and assertive ones.

 

One of the great skills of an assertive person is the ability to say "no". Be brief and to the point. Be honest. If you know an unwelcome request is coming your way practice saying "no" in advance. What are you going to say and do? If necessary, use the 'Broken Record Technique' where you just keep repeating your statement softly, calmly and persistently.

Don't confuse rejecting a request with rejecting the person making the request. Most people are happy to accept an honest "no" if it is expressed appropriately. The first time will be the hardest!

Practice the body movements of an assertive person. When standing, be upright and relaxed with open hand gestures. Relax your facial features and make firm and direct eye contact with whomever you are communicating. This does not mean that you spend the day grinning! Your facial expression needs to be appropriate to how you are feeling, so that you don't give out any mixed messages. If you are pleased, smile, but if you aren't so happy with the way things are, feel free to frown.

Show a willingness to explore other solutions than your own if necessary. Encourage creativity from all. "How can we solve this problem?" will encourage others to tap into their resourcefulness. Sometimes it just takes a bit of encouragement.

Weigh the costs. Telling other people how you feel also makes it easier for them to communicate their feelings to you. Assertiveness is about acknowledging that all opinions are important – "I matter and so do you".

By being passive or aggressive you will lose out. Being assertive costs nothing but brings many benefits. You will be able to communicate better, command respect and be listened to within respectful, negotiating relationships. Win-Win? Definitely!

About The Author

Kate Harper is based in the beautiful Highlands of Scotland. Check out her website http://www.harpercoaching.com .

Good Advice


Every act of conscious learning requires the willingness to suffer an injury to one's self-esteem. That is why young children, before they are aware of their own self-importance, learn so easily.
Thomas Szasz

Outstanding leaders go out of their way to boost the self-esteem of their personnel. If people believe in themselves, it's amazing what they can accomplish.
Sam Walton

No one else can take risks for us, or face our losses on our behalf, or give us self-esteem. No one can spare us from life's slings and arrows, and when death comes, we meet it alone.
Martha Beck

 

 

Ask Andy

All about Assertiveness and how it helps you Succeed

Dear Andy

I was raised to be a good girl and to be considerate of others. It has always seemed natural to please the people in my life, as I did my parents. Recently a friend said I was a door mat and I should learn to stand up for myself.
How do I learn such new behavior?

Door Mat

Dear Door Mat

Sometimes pleasing others is overrated, especially if it becomes what is called "the disease to please." You deserve to be considered and to be pleased yourself at least some of the time; but, you may need to ask for what you want in a more assertive manner. If you try expressing your desires and interests clearly and firmly, you can then get in the good habit of being politely assertive. Soon, it will likely become second nature, and you'll be on your way to new behavior.

Andy


Dear Andy

Often I feel I get what I want out of life far less than half the time. Maybe I'm not assertive enough or just don't have sufficient confidence in myself.

Not Enough Confidence

Dear Not Enough Confidence

If you think you're being assertive in your life only some of the time, not enough for the success you desire, you may lack the confidence and self-esteem to stand up for yourself consistently. It could be time for a serious self-confidence and self-esteem check.
You may be able to do this on your own, but sometimes professional advice is needed. Also, take a look at the books listed in this blog, as one or more of them could help you become more confident.

Andy

 

Book List

The Assertiveness Workbook: How to Express Your Ideas and Stand Up for Yourself at Work and in Relationships

Randy J. Paterson Ph.D.


Book Description
This self-directed program teaches readers to speak up and say what they mean at work and at home. Written supportively, it uses proven cognitive behavioral techniques to help individuals build self-confidence, set boundaries, and determine appropriate responses.

Complete Idiot's Guide to Assertiveness (The Complete Idiot's Guide) (Paperback)
by MBA, CMC, Jeff Davidson

Book Description
This book gives a boost to anyone who has has felt paralyzed in the face of an opposing viewpoint or an imposing individual. Individuals can at last express their ideas, stand up for themselves in relationships (spouses, parents, in-laws, kids) and at work (managers), and get attention in the business world. Readers learn how to build self-confidence and find out when its appropriateand often essentialto be assertive.

Jeff Davidson, MBA, CMC, is author of 18 books, including The Complete Idiots Guide to Managing Stress and The Complete Idiots Guide to Managing Your Time. He lives in Chapel Hill, North Carolina

NOTE: Please see the next page,
as each day's blog is
a page unto itself.